
In the past few weeks I've come to realize a few things.
1) I'm not who I am.
My favorite quote is "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not", so it is rather ironic that I cannot show my true and complete self to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I dress the way I want to, even thought I get lots of weird looks, I listen to the music I want to and I'm not bothered if other people don't like it, I behave like a maniac and everyone thinks I'm out of my mind which is awesome because I am, I have my hobbies and the things I love, however not everything is what it seems.
I have lots of friends (all of them absolutely crazy, so I fit in perfectly, although 'fitting in' is not exactly it), most people like me because I'm that weird, but in a very positive way, and I could care less what the twats in my school think of me. And here comes the problem, I have no issue with sticking up my finger to idiots and telling them to 'fuck off' because I'm the absolute best, but I have an issue with showing all my sides to my friends. Occasionally, normal things like my obsession with extremely gory and disturbing pictures, videos, movies and books shows up, but my friends are, errr...'ok' with it. However, I'm not all smiles, and kindness, and compassion. I suppose some degree of self abandon is required in every human-human relationship for the sake of being accepted by a selective group of people that are compatible with your character, even thought not completely.
For the past few months we’ve been helping a Year 8 girl (which I will call Flower in my blog) that has been bullied for a while now. One of my friends that has also suffered from the unsuppressed cruelty of fellow classmates in her younger years, recognized that Flower might be slipping into depression, which she herself had experienced not too long ago, and knows the feelings of self-hate and isolation that make you think thoughts that can be in some cases deadly. The point is, I’m always concerned, gentle and ready to help in everyone else’s eyes, and I’m the mother figure and role model of some of them (that’s why so many younger kids hang around me), thing is I couldn’t care less about anyone. You see, the only reason I’m always helping and trying to be supportive, is that once everything is sorted out I don’t have to deal with annoying stuff like comforting someone crying, or going after bullies to give them ‘a piece of my mind’ (have you noticed how disturbing that phrase is?!).
This is lying. I’m lying. To myself. To everyone. I can’t help it. Pretense is something I do without thinking; for the sake of other people I have created someone that is me, yet not completely. I’m happy, yet I’m not. I’m sad, yet my tears are not from sadness. I love, yet I don’t believe in love. I contradict myself. I smile because I think I should, not because I feel it. I’ve become a person that I don’t know.
2) I have 3 ultimate rules of survival. I’m more and more certain that they have no exceptions.
First: No one can be trusted. From the time you were born until the time you die, you are alone. The only person you can relay on is yourself.
Second: Be a mystery to everyone. If they don’t know you, they can’t hurt you. Sharing with someone may reveal your weakness, thus your existence can be compromised.
Third: If they are of no use to you they are not worth the trouble. People who have no use can be disposed of.
3) This world is going to Hell and there’s nothing anyone can do.
I have the nagging feeling that perhaps the human race is on the brink of its destruction. War, death, misery, fear, money, violence, ignorance, hate, prejudice, they will never disappear. Our world has fallen. Humans have lost, no, rather sold, everything that is of any value that is beyond the material.